Strange Days Indeed

Since the last blog, there have been a few things happen in the world. Momentous and historic, an event we will remember for a long time to come, a defining moment.

That's right, I didn't go on facebook on Tuesday. Amazing.

Obviously Mr Obama has been elected to the US Presidency, something long, long overdue. After such inhuman and obscene misdeeds towards people because of the colour of their skin, America might be starting to reconcile itself with its' history. This won't mean that the "race issue" has been irrevocably solved, it's just a signpost to (hopefully) more grown-up times.

Matters closer to home, well, at home, have been blissful and very comfortable. I can actually live with a person and not screw it up! That this person is somebody who likes me back is another bonus, a gift in itself. The new mental outlook that I've arrived at, despite much help from well-wishing, hand-holding peepils, is purely self-realised. From this, I'm beginning to accept that whether I commit suicide or try to again, or make a go of being happy, this makes absolutely no positive impact on mother's condition and wellbeing. Therefore, I have to accept that she wants me to be happy, simple as. That acception does not sit totally well in my cerebral front room, but the drapes are nice and the carpet is clean so I have got to learn to be comfortable in life while acknowledging that not everything can be as one would wish.

From this new attitudinal epiphany, springs forth a radical notion, the like of which I could barely consider some months ago. I am, one way or t'other, going to go to Australia next year to see my sweetheart and experience a different culture and outlook. Having a friend there means I'll have a guide and a warm smile, so the discovery and wonder can be shared. Hopefully, she will see things through my exciteable and impressionable eyes and get something out of the whole shebang, too. I know I will.

So, as of now, I'm feeling "good". I understand a lot of that which triggers my mental health misery nipples to explode with delight, and can at least put myself into project get-normal-again-not-mad mode and move through such brief dips. I know too that hiding away and not confiding with my nice lady friend is a bad idea, and I've caused untold hurt to her by my aloof aloofness, to such an extent that she felt that I was "going off" her. When we were last together, I promised her that I would not go into a steep depressive situation. I failed, became more seriously depressed than normal and felt that I could not open my heart to her, for fear of letting her down and causing dissappointment. I know now that I can confide and she only wants the best for me and hates to see me in mental or physical agony. If you don't know depression, then you'll need to imagine a pain in your soul, that rages unrestrained through the troubled canals of your mind, sucking out all vim and vigour and leaving you a dried, lifeless lump. I have depression, and always will have depression, but I understand that there are processes that can negate the worst excesses of mental agony and I will try to engage these processes when the need arises.

So, to reiterate, one is "good". I'm going to enjoy today.