Well, I did it. We did it. I saw my mother did exactly as I promised myself. No questions in search of a signal of recovery and not a single tear (though there was a lump in my throat when we left).
Despite the unsettling news that the nurse manager is no longer working there (too complicated to explain why this worries me), the visit was okay. Mum was actually on good form and sort of knew who I was. She wasn't keen to sit too long with us, as she is a chronic wanderer, as are a lot of AD sufferers.
Mum looked well, was dressed nicely and appropriately, given the colder weather, and was clean and tidy.
After twenty-five minutes or so, I decided I wanted to go home (it's always me who decides when it's time to go). Although they did lead her to the door, I didn't take too much notice, or dwell on things and I just kept saying to myself, "she's ok, she's ok, she's ok."
I still want to have her here, at home, dominating my life, but that can't happen and whether I kill myself or try to make a go of my life or not, it makes absolutely no difference to her condition. That's not my fault, or anybody else's.
In a few weeks, I'll go again and try to hold onto things as well as I managed today. I can't tell you how sick I felt beforehand and I still feel shaken now but we did it. Me and Mum.
Snow - Winter 2009/10
Proof of Fun Being Had...
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
This Day - Part One
It's today, the day, the day that I'm testing how together I are. I are together, but things need to be done that aren't neccessarily guaranteed to leave me untouched.
This afternoon, at 1pm, I will be visiting my mother. For the unaware, for those lucky souls who haven't had the misfortune of being ensnared in my dashingly hansome trap, my mother has Alzheimer's Disease.
AD is horrible. It's horrible for the sufferer, thiough they don't know it. It's horrible for the onlookers. That's all I am, an onlooker in my mother's life. I cannot improve, help, aid, cure her, all I can do is see that her affairs are in order and that they doesn't want for anything.
AD takes the personality away from somebody. If my mother could see herself, she'd be horrified. I'm horrified. This strong, dominating, passionate woman has been reduced to such a shadow of her former self and it is this fact that hurts and destroys me each time I visit.
Right now, I'm going to visit with a more detached, self-preserving attitude, no questions designed to see if I can encourage some return of her as she was and no tears. I understand that she is ok, taken care of and fed, clothed and kept warm. I understand that. I'm aiming to feel it, too. I love her more than I can adequately articulate.
So, at this stage, it's too early to tell, so I'll write Part Two upon my return, or some time after my return.
Wish me luck, hold my hand and give me strength.
This afternoon, at 1pm, I will be visiting my mother. For the unaware, for those lucky souls who haven't had the misfortune of being ensnared in my dashingly hansome trap, my mother has Alzheimer's Disease.
AD is horrible. It's horrible for the sufferer, thiough they don't know it. It's horrible for the onlookers. That's all I am, an onlooker in my mother's life. I cannot improve, help, aid, cure her, all I can do is see that her affairs are in order and that they doesn't want for anything.
AD takes the personality away from somebody. If my mother could see herself, she'd be horrified. I'm horrified. This strong, dominating, passionate woman has been reduced to such a shadow of her former self and it is this fact that hurts and destroys me each time I visit.
Right now, I'm going to visit with a more detached, self-preserving attitude, no questions designed to see if I can encourage some return of her as she was and no tears. I understand that she is ok, taken care of and fed, clothed and kept warm. I understand that. I'm aiming to feel it, too. I love her more than I can adequately articulate.
So, at this stage, it's too early to tell, so I'll write Part Two upon my return, or some time after my return.
Wish me luck, hold my hand and give me strength.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
The Day Of Reckoning.
For the first time since 4th September 2008, I will be going to visit my mother in her care home.
Ordinarily, this would not be a singularly unique event, however on that occasion I returned home and took an overdose of prescription drugs. Luckily, I was found by a dear friend and her daughter and I was rushed into ITU where I was saved. It was a matter of life and death.
I didn't plan or wish to die, it was a need for peace and escape. I've done this before and intended to kill myself. I had taken some photographs of her that afternoon and upon uploading them to my pc I began to dwell on what is going on to her and how I feel so lonely and decrepit because of it. All of a sudden, I felt that at that moment, I had to get away, away from the pain, away from the yo-yo emotions that hold me ransom, when I feel good and then drop into the abyss when it comes time for the visit. So I took drugs, enough to kill me.
In the time since this event, I have had some positives happen in my life and ones that have taught me about where I should be focussing on. My mother would hate for me to be like this and would be very cross, too, thinking that I was being destroyed by this. I understand that now, and whilst it's not an easy situation and will still hurt and upset me, I know that lingering upon the horrible nature of this disease will only cause damage to me. My mother is perfectly happy and safe in her own little world, and is not in the slightest concerned with the credit crunch, nuclear war or whether or not I am happy or sad; therefore, I should put my energies into being happy.
On returning from seeing her tomorrow afternoon, I'll be getting my hair (or what's left of it) cut at home, so that will be a focus away from things and I can then get myself back to normal, and relax. The guilt of not going to see her was beginning to outweigh the undoubted benefits that having a break has visited upon me.
We shall see. Wish me luck. I'm 37-going-on-a-very-scared-little-boy.
Ordinarily, this would not be a singularly unique event, however on that occasion I returned home and took an overdose of prescription drugs. Luckily, I was found by a dear friend and her daughter and I was rushed into ITU where I was saved. It was a matter of life and death.
I didn't plan or wish to die, it was a need for peace and escape. I've done this before and intended to kill myself. I had taken some photographs of her that afternoon and upon uploading them to my pc I began to dwell on what is going on to her and how I feel so lonely and decrepit because of it. All of a sudden, I felt that at that moment, I had to get away, away from the pain, away from the yo-yo emotions that hold me ransom, when I feel good and then drop into the abyss when it comes time for the visit. So I took drugs, enough to kill me.
In the time since this event, I have had some positives happen in my life and ones that have taught me about where I should be focussing on. My mother would hate for me to be like this and would be very cross, too, thinking that I was being destroyed by this. I understand that now, and whilst it's not an easy situation and will still hurt and upset me, I know that lingering upon the horrible nature of this disease will only cause damage to me. My mother is perfectly happy and safe in her own little world, and is not in the slightest concerned with the credit crunch, nuclear war or whether or not I am happy or sad; therefore, I should put my energies into being happy.
On returning from seeing her tomorrow afternoon, I'll be getting my hair (or what's left of it) cut at home, so that will be a focus away from things and I can then get myself back to normal, and relax. The guilt of not going to see her was beginning to outweigh the undoubted benefits that having a break has visited upon me.
We shall see. Wish me luck. I'm 37-going-on-a-very-scared-little-boy.
Friday, 24 October 2008
Pet, Love and Dear
An Australian friend (or, rather, my only Australian friend) came to stay this week. It was a long planned and long longed for chance to re-attach myself to her and appear like a normal bloke might appear, should he have suffered a chaotic balding incident at twenty-five and sustained galloping growth of his tummy "muscles", due to over food intakement.
For a certified, or photocopied lunatic, this amazing, kind, intelligent and generous woman made a damn fine job of making me sane. We were together almost all of the week, barely any more than ten feet away from each other. The calm that she inculcated inside my troubled head was both satisfying and reassuring and I am hell-bent on keeping this emotion in my Aus-less life.
I've always flirted with the thought of being an intellect of sorts and she has given me a lot of belief in that thought being true. She has a very wide ability to converse about almost anything and she has so much understanding of human behaviour, good or bad, that I'm learning just by breathing the same air as her.
One thing that has happened too is that I have laughed, almost to the point of embarrassing accidents occurring. The beauty of time spent together is that a rapport builds and a look, a word, a himmer is all one needs to be thrust in tandem into a world of our own design, masters of our land and alone in our mirth.
Presently, she has popped over to Turkey for a week, prior to her return here and more time with my good and bad selves. My friend is on strict orders to fully document her adventures and to provide many tales of great times large and small. There will be a slide show and I for one cannot wait.
A subject that has arisen during our week together is the question of my going out to Australia, to see her in her natural habitat, as I've somehow blurted out loud. My health issues are not insignificant and I have met with some negativity from health professionals about the feasibility of such a jaunt. This hurt in two ways, one being that the burden of travelling to the UK from Brisbane is firmly upon her shoulders and the other being that it put our future happiness further away from my desperate fingertips, trying to valiantly maintain some control of my life. After a lengthy and lovely discussion about the subject, I am to beging making some very firm and frank enquiries about the reality of getting myself over to Aus safely and sensibly. It is possible that this potential trip might open up my head and heart in ways that just cannot happen in a grubby market town in North Nottinghamshire. It's positive and something to look forward to, and a means of ensuring that there are solid plans for our next meeting.
Thanks to Mr Murdoch's Skype, we have very good and instant communications on a daily basis, with some juggling of times. Having this technology available really is a miracle, and one that too many people fail to appreciate fully. The obvious benefit for us, with some ten thousand miles between us, is that we can talk, freely and for as long as we want and for both of us this is vitally important.
So...after some very bleak and scary times, a positive and exciting future lies ahead. I only hope my split sides can heal again before the next laughing fit begins.
For a certified, or photocopied lunatic, this amazing, kind, intelligent and generous woman made a damn fine job of making me sane. We were together almost all of the week, barely any more than ten feet away from each other. The calm that she inculcated inside my troubled head was both satisfying and reassuring and I am hell-bent on keeping this emotion in my Aus-less life.
I've always flirted with the thought of being an intellect of sorts and she has given me a lot of belief in that thought being true. She has a very wide ability to converse about almost anything and she has so much understanding of human behaviour, good or bad, that I'm learning just by breathing the same air as her.
One thing that has happened too is that I have laughed, almost to the point of embarrassing accidents occurring. The beauty of time spent together is that a rapport builds and a look, a word, a himmer is all one needs to be thrust in tandem into a world of our own design, masters of our land and alone in our mirth.
Presently, she has popped over to Turkey for a week, prior to her return here and more time with my good and bad selves. My friend is on strict orders to fully document her adventures and to provide many tales of great times large and small. There will be a slide show and I for one cannot wait.
A subject that has arisen during our week together is the question of my going out to Australia, to see her in her natural habitat, as I've somehow blurted out loud. My health issues are not insignificant and I have met with some negativity from health professionals about the feasibility of such a jaunt. This hurt in two ways, one being that the burden of travelling to the UK from Brisbane is firmly upon her shoulders and the other being that it put our future happiness further away from my desperate fingertips, trying to valiantly maintain some control of my life. After a lengthy and lovely discussion about the subject, I am to beging making some very firm and frank enquiries about the reality of getting myself over to Aus safely and sensibly. It is possible that this potential trip might open up my head and heart in ways that just cannot happen in a grubby market town in North Nottinghamshire. It's positive and something to look forward to, and a means of ensuring that there are solid plans for our next meeting.
Thanks to Mr Murdoch's Skype, we have very good and instant communications on a daily basis, with some juggling of times. Having this technology available really is a miracle, and one that too many people fail to appreciate fully. The obvious benefit for us, with some ten thousand miles between us, is that we can talk, freely and for as long as we want and for both of us this is vitally important.
So...after some very bleak and scary times, a positive and exciting future lies ahead. I only hope my split sides can heal again before the next laughing fit begins.
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