Afterwards

After a month and 8 days, I finally said goodbye to my other half, my sweetness and my salvation....until next year. October 19th was the beginning of a period of intense happiness and companionship, a kind that I've never known - more out of my own failings rather than a critical comment upon those who've had the misfortune to have crossed my darkened path.

The end was tearful, pathetically so, on my part, a childish display of "it's not fair"-dom. My sweetness was dignified and showed me that I can rest assured in my knowledge that I have a love somewhere in the world. She has planted seeds of hope and renewed me to a sense of being happy to be alive. Five suicide attempts and one stupid overdose this last September means that I've had an (un)healthy attraction to death and misery, and having a clinically diagnosable condition lends itselt to such feelings. In short, I am a lunatic. I have periods of lucidity, and periods of dark meloncholy, mourning the past, the mistakes I made and the many people I hurt. There have been a few re-meetings or path-crossings of late that have partially soothed these wounds, but I still carry the bitter shards of regret at my behaviour. My sweet love has helped me realise that we all do silly things at some time or other.

Currently, I am engaged in doing the house up to a standard that suits me, and is tidy - to my somewhat neurotic standards of "just so". I also have more than vague plans of doing a degree course in History. It's something that has troubled me for a while, and being surrounded by various graduates, who insist that I am intelligent and should pursue such passions without fear, I'm finally tempted to do something with my life that doesn't involve self-harm or pills.

Amazing what the love of a wonderful human being, who happens to find me attractive (ha, ha, sorry love, I couldn't help laughing, you can slap me later, in 2009!;o)<3 <3 <3

I love you Sandy.

I won't let you down.