This Day - Part One

It's today, the day, the day that I'm testing how together I are. I are together, but things need to be done that aren't neccessarily guaranteed to leave me untouched.

This afternoon, at 1pm, I will be visiting my mother. For the unaware, for those lucky souls who haven't had the misfortune of being ensnared in my dashingly hansome trap, my mother has Alzheimer's Disease.

AD is horrible. It's horrible for the sufferer, thiough they don't know it. It's horrible for the onlookers. That's all I am, an onlooker in my mother's life. I cannot improve, help, aid, cure her, all I can do is see that her affairs are in order and that they doesn't want for anything.

AD takes the personality away from somebody. If my mother could see herself, she'd be horrified. I'm horrified. This strong, dominating, passionate woman has been reduced to such a shadow of her former self and it is this fact that hurts and destroys me each time I visit.

Right now, I'm going to visit with a more detached, self-preserving attitude, no questions designed to see if I can encourage some return of her as she was and no tears. I understand that she is ok, taken care of and fed, clothed and kept warm. I understand that. I'm aiming to feel it, too. I love her more than I can adequately articulate.

So, at this stage, it's too early to tell, so I'll write Part Two upon my return, or some time after my return.

Wish me luck, hold my hand and give me strength.