The Day Of Reckoning.

For the first time since 4th September 2008, I will be going to visit my mother in her care home.

Ordinarily, this would not be a singularly unique event, however on that occasion I returned home and took an overdose of prescription drugs. Luckily, I was found by a dear friend and her daughter and I was rushed into ITU where I was saved. It was a matter of life and death.

I didn't plan or wish to die, it was a need for peace and escape. I've done this before and intended to kill myself. I had taken some photographs of her that afternoon and upon uploading them to my pc I began to dwell on what is going on to her and how I feel so lonely and decrepit because of it. All of a sudden, I felt that at that moment, I had to get away, away from the pain, away from the yo-yo emotions that hold me ransom, when I feel good and then drop into the abyss when it comes time for the visit. So I took drugs, enough to kill me.

In the time since this event, I have had some positives happen in my life and ones that have taught me about where I should be focussing on. My mother would hate for me to be like this and would be very cross, too, thinking that I was being destroyed by this. I understand that now, and whilst it's not an easy situation and will still hurt and upset me, I know that lingering upon the horrible nature of this disease will only cause damage to me. My mother is perfectly happy and safe in her own little world, and is not in the slightest concerned with the credit crunch, nuclear war or whether or not I am happy or sad; therefore, I should put my energies into being happy.

On returning from seeing her tomorrow afternoon, I'll be getting my hair (or what's left of it) cut at home, so that will be a focus away from things and I can then get myself back to normal, and relax. The guilt of not going to see her was beginning to outweigh the undoubted benefits that having a break has visited upon me.

We shall see. Wish me luck. I'm 37-going-on-a-very-scared-little-boy.