Strange Days, Indeed

Hurrah, a day of cruddy eye/head pain and feeling generally unwell in my skin. I spoke with my cpn on thursday about my perception of my limitations not reflecting reality and, alone, I wonder if I'm making more of this whole diabetes/eyes/depression/sadness than it warrants. Then I spend time with people (which is meant to be the magical key to good mental health) and I feel more debilitated and disabled than I do here, alone. If I get a hypo or a bad eye situation, I can go and lay down and nobdy need know. Having a hypo in public is tricky for me, as they have become more varied in the effects and in how long they last. Generally, I do tell people when I've had eyes/head/depression/diab problems, to save any worry for them. I don't know.

I've thought more about suicide this week than I have for a long time, maybe last November when I received the 'help' and 'support' of the CRISIS team, two individuals so utterly unsuitable for the task as you could imagine. Thinking about it takes time and it involves shutting down what keeps one current and alive, such as other people's feelings and the whole not being alive thing, too. I've been able to see it fairly clearly, and the sense that 'nothing will matter anymore' and no sensitivity seems fair reward for a lifetime spent on the periphery and the sadness and shyness that goes with it. I know and understand that this is not a healthy view and is a symptom of my general situation.

When pondering all of this I began to sense a new feeling. The thought of not existing, that death will come to us all, naturally or otherwise but will come most certainly, left me feeling uneasy. That I should maybe have another crack at life. My perceptions of myself are utterly different to others, who, despite intelligence, see qualities in me that I don't recognise. I want to help people, always have done, but I know my ways of doing this clash with other peoples' understanding of this. I have no problem giving a posession away, freely, if it will do some good. I don't put posessions on that high a shelf. An example, my mother is in a care home suffering with Alzheimer's Disease and Vascular Dementia, and she was driving her car up until I got her into hospital in 2005. Some friends of mine were talking about buying the car - anyway, I decided it'd be better as a gift. If I see something that could help somebody then I'll act accordingly, whether this is over the top or otherwise. Generous to a fault, you might say. People seem suprised that no reward in 'payment' is expected, but I don't do things like that for reward, it's just a 'their need is greater than mine' rationale.

Anyway, after my worst eye day in the last few months, possibly this year, I'm going to sign of and get to bed before they give out totally.

We'll see what Sunday brings.