Ups and Downs.

Greetings, etc...

As I write, I am under something of a dark cloud, a low mood, an 'episode' of depression. The positives seem less so and almost pointless. As am I. The darker feelings amplify and coat every surface in my head. As a consequence, I'm a 37-year old little boy, frightened and wanting his mummy to 'make it go away'. Pathetic!

One aspect of having depression for a long, long time, at least 20 years in my case, is that, slowly, one becomes able to learn a few tactics that can fight the lows. The principle is to create a diversion. When the thoughts are really loud and unsettling, I start doing housework. I don't live in filth, but I am not ultra tidy either, so I just do those jobs that get passed over and annoy you everytime you think of them. By doing this I'm making a physical effort that can override my head through exhaustion. It works sometimes.

I'm also doing something that I've never done before with my depression. I'm not isolating myself, I've told my family, I've told my gf, I've told my friends and....I've been to see my doctor. She has prescribed an anti-depressant that I used to be on ages ago. It's stronger than what I was on before, so we'll see what happens. There's also another drug, Pregabolin (google it, folks!) and that is a miracle drug in that it helps my feet (painful neuropathy) and reduces anxiety! My doc has doubled the dose, so I'll be zzzzzzing away like a babby. I haven't slept well, which contributes no end to my mental state.

So far, the thoughts of self-harm have been just that, which is a change, too. I haven't had any suicidal feelings either, which is a change. I don't wish to die. I just don't know what living is about. It all seems to pointless and futile. Still, while I'm here......I may as well try to be a good person or something. I want to help people, to be a support to my friends, etc, so that doesn't make me Hitler, does it? I don't know. All of the bad feelings of nobody caring or liking me are REAL to me, and fighting that is tiring and not easy for those around me. At least they understand that I'm not always like this.

And so....I'm hoping that things will shift and improve very soon. I have hope, which is something I've never had, or not for a very long time when I was a blond and just over 3 foot high.

Until the next time....tarrah!