Number nine, number nine, number nine

Whatever plot there was, it has eroded and is now but a memory.

Not being of the criminular type, I don't really know what prison is like in terms of the mental entrapment and the physical one, too. If it is anything like the way my head works, then the punishment really does fit the crime.

I've been wanting to get back to recording regularly for a few days now. The problem is that I can't physically do it without a nagging doubt, that manifests into an extreme sensitivity over any small detail - be it the sound of the guitar, my playing or just how the whole piece is hanging. Just doing something is very difficult, I'm insecure and struggle with creating music. The paradox is that I have recorded some of the best music I've written in the last four years, achieving this with less effort than before.

The problem is...if I don't understand all of this and what is driving particular mental cul-de-sacs, crippling me totally...who can understand it?

One of the things that my father said to me towards the end of his life was that he did love me, but I made it very difficult. Maybe it was the illness talking, maybe not. Since then there has been a casual and growing belief that my parents, and my relatives don't like me, too. The non-malicious apathy that has left the wider family groups frustrates me, even though I'm as guilty as the next person of this. I haven't the courage to confront my family about this loving/liking thing. I don't have any rational ability to get around this.

I think that I need to see my cpn again - there's been a mental dip in the last week. I feel unwell for most of the time, and it's not of the man-flu "I'm dying" variety. Would you be happy about that? As a psychiatrist told me a few months ago, "Blind people can be happy". Excusing the absence of empathy and misunderstanding of my whole psychology, it taught me a lesson. Ultimately, regardless of whatever support there is, and I get a lot of it, the part of my head that is wrong makes it very difficult to cope. I know that I've fundamentally lost a lot of understanding about my life or anybody else's, for that matter (other peoples' lives are worth more). I can't handle social situations and I feel a burden on everybody. Being alone with my head is not a good choice, but all the while, I do need human contact, but....

Round and round we go...